She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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