There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
