Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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