turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
