I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
