I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
