Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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