You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
