too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
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i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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