i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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