I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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