i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you inspire me to be a worse person
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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