sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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