this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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