Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
