My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
