the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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