Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
