Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
