I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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