i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
