I wanna bring you to show and tell
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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