drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
