Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
