I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
