im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
only you would photoshop your dick
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
