Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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