i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
