theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
