When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
