new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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