i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
