god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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