You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
