I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
