I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
