someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
