I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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