either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
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How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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