There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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