we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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