I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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