I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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