I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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