Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
