I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
