I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
