I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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