He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
