You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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