the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
