I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
