in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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