Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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